My Name is Sam and I’m a Scrooge

By Sam Flynn on November 25, 2012

My dislike of Christmas comes from one factor and one factor alone. It isn’t because I’m an atheist and the religious overtones of a Christian co-opted pagan holiday bother me. It isn’t because it has been absorbed in the mindless consumerist mechanism as an excuse to boost the economy during wintery months. And it isn’t even because at this age in my life, more than one child and their inanity are not cute; it’s exasperating.

Actually, now that I bring those up, I actually don’t like Christmas for all those reasons. However, all of them together would be theoretically tolerable if not for one recently annoying marketing decision: making Christmas a year-round event.

Before the Thanksgiving decorations are away, before we’ve cleaned up from Halloween, even before we have had our Fourth of July celebration, they are already marketing Christmas.

Do we even HAVE other holidays anymore? They seem to be swallowed yearly by Santa’s grotesque gaping maw. I have half a mind to pull a Martin Luther and nail my grievances to our new local place of worship: Best Buy.

I kid you not when I say that in recent years I have seen Santas in malls mid-July, sweating round spherical objects while children pontificate on how to unknowingly feed the capitalist economic machine. If you don’t know at age five that you are being shaped into a mindless drone for a society which distracts you with Pokemon cards and liquid sugar, then I consider you a failure as a critical thinker. Yes, I have high standards.

It has gotten so bad that we have Christmas in July sales! Because one seasonal indulgence fest isn’t enough, we have to schedule ANOTHER to stimulate the economy. Pretty soon, every holiday will require gift giving. Oh, it’s Labor Day? To celebrate the honor of being in the labor force, here’s a t-shirt made by Taiwanese sweatshop worker children. Congratulations, you were just awarded 10 tons of steaming irony.

Now you might not believe it, from what I’ve been talking about for the last few paragraphs . . . but I like the idea of Christmas. I really do. I like it for about five minutes. Then I’m ready to move on. You can see my problem with this whole year-round shit. The economy is exacerbating one of my many admitted pet peeves.

But I do like the idea of giving back, of appreciation and celebration. I think that’s all well and good. And I like that it’s a time when people talk about the ideals and beliefs of one of my favorite unsung liberal heroes: Jesus. Jesus and many others throughout history preached to love thy neighbor and give back.

My favorite idols exemplify (ironically) the original, true idea behind Christmas: Martin Luther King, John Lennon, John F. Kennedy, Jesus Christ, Robert Kennedy, Abraham Lincoln, Mohandas Gandhi etc. You know what they all have in common?

By Sam Flynn

Uloop Writer
It takes a real asshole to sum themselves up in a few words. So I will. I am a sophomore journalism student at Ohio University with a minor in creative writing. I am copy editor at the InterActivist magazine, secretary for Theta Chi fraternity, and columnist for Rascal magazine. I love books, film, tattoos, MMA, motorcycles, rapping, and blazers. My idols are George Carlin, Kevin Smith, J.K. Rowling, J.R.R. Tolkien, Neil Gaiman, and Hunter S. Thompson. I am also now officially an asshole. Cheers!

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